This should be good. I’m exhausted, and I’ve been staring at tech pubs documents for the better part of 5 hours…
Yes, that’s right. I’ve had enough with your diet bullshit. Adkins, gluten free, all carb, all fat, all sugar, know what they are? ALL FUCKING LIES!
So it’s no secret that Josh (the miserable bastard) and I are trying to lose weight. I use the word “trying” rather liberally since we don’t do a whole lot. He’s way better at calorie control than I am, which is why I have man tits and seven chins. But I like to think I’m better at exercising to the point of injury…which is why I have man tits and seven chins. But I digest…
As I sit here finishing off a jar of peanut butter and 1.5 quarts of vanilla ice cream (this is the non-alcoholic version of drinking alone, in a dark hotel room, at 2am, because you’re bored) I’m reflecting on today specifically.
Now, I’ve done some stupid shit. I’ve taken Hydroxycut (caffeine), I’ve done advocare (caffeine and laxatives), I’ve done adkins (I lasted about 15 minutes), and as of today…I have done THE MILITARY DIET! Yeah, I made it about 9 hours today before I caved in.
For those unfamiliar, the military diet is a three day diet plan where you starve yourself for three days and lose 10 (or more!) pounds, only to turn around and gain all of your weight loss back in the next four days. Why do you lose so much, so fast, and gain it back? Calories. Calories, calories, calories.
Look, here’s the deal. A calorie is a calorie is a calorie. You need x calories per day to survive (your body uses so many just by having your heartbeat continue, your kidneys filter waste, your brain send electrical signals, breathing, etc.) and without getting too technical [some asshole fitness dick will e-mail me in about 34 seconds telling me this isn’t 100% accurate, and that’s fine…I’m writing this to the fat bitch sitting at her computer with her face covered in buttercream icing and tears. (Sweety…I feel ya. Pass me a slice of that cake, will ya?) I’m not writing this for the Crossfit assholes***] we’ll call that your BASIC METABOLIC RATE. That’s what you need to survive.
That’s what you need to survive.
Anything MORE than that amount and you put on weight (more weight than your skeleton, internal vital organs, blood, and a day’s worth of urine and doody..heheheheheh….doody…hehehehehe). Anything less than that, and you lose weight. Now, that’s really simplified so you health nuts can relax. Put down your gluten free, vegan S’mores plate and relax a bit. So about these calories…
Plonker needs about 2700 calories per day to maintain his current weight. However, I do not want to maintain my current weight. And according to the United States Government (and y’all can kiss my fat ass), I need to drop about 120 pounds. Think about that. One. Hundred. Twenty. Pounds. Basically, I need to cut my next ex wife off of my body to get down to a weight that’s not “overweight”. I’m going to look like the poster child for AIDS if I get to that weight…so I’m going to go for it. Anyway, Josh recently mentioned mapmyride and myfitnesspal (or at least mapmyride) in a post. We use those apps to track activity and calories in/calories out. Does it help? Yeah, when I’m not stress eating or stuffing my face out of depression (not clinical, I just get “bummed out”. For those of you battling clinical depression, I’m going to be a real person here and say don’t do it alone, go get some help. E-mail me and I’ll help you where I can. Okay, back to being an asshole…) or stress.
In February I kind of had a big letdown and started “depression eating”…for 2 months. I had lost almost 50 pounds up to that point, and then I put 25 back on. Then at the end of June, I got stressed about something and put on a good 12 pounds… For those of you who know me and are wondering, yes both bouts of overeating are because of the same person. Same person I was trying to forget by drinking on Sunday, but Josh decides to make videos. Seriously, when someone says “I’m drinking until I forget”, who the fuck starts recording that shit? Totally defeats the purpose. What a dick. Where was I? Oh yeah, being an asshole…
So anyway, to lose weight, I set my calorie goal at -1000 calories per day. That’s what I need for a 2 pound per week weight loss. In other words, if I average about 1700 calories (1730) per day (Net, and I’ll get to that), I’ll lose 2 pounds per week. Some days I can be a little more (2000) provided I’m less on other days (1400) so that the average over the whole week is 1700. Is it better to be at or under and NEVER be over? Sure! Does that ever happen for me? Dude, I think I just ate like 4000 calories of ice cream while I was typing this and jerking off…so, no. No, it never happens for me.
But in order to combat my lazy eating (I eat when I’m bored, I eat high calorie shit because it’s easy and cheap), I decided to try this fucking military diet. First thing’s first…if you’re in the military and surviving for three days on this diet, you’re the laziest fuck in the military. When I calculated the calorie intake on day one it was EIGHT HUNDRED AND FORTY CALORIES!!
Let me once again remind you, that to MAINTAIN my weight, I need 2700 calories. To lose two pounds per week, 1700. This was 840. Let’s just do the math there… 2700-840= 1860 under goal. Now, a pound of fat is 3500 calories. That means in two days on this diet, just from fat burn, I should lose a pound. Add to it any sort of exercise I do (walking? Going to get the mail? Dusting the house?) and that 840 decreases. For a reference, on an average bike ride right now I’m burning 2500 calories or so. That’s how you get that “net” number I mentioned earlier. Calories in – (Calories out + BMR) = Net calories. Let’s look at that math without the words. We’ll use the tried-and-true QDPA method.
Jason has a BMR of 2700 calories, he wants to lose 2 pounds per week, and eats 2300 calories. During exercise, he burns 2500 calories per day. What is Jason’s net calorie intake?
Q: What is Jason’s Net Calorie intake?
D: BMR -2700; 2 pounds per week (3500 cals per pound * 2 = 7000 cals / 7 days = -1000 cals per day); intake +2300; exercise -2500
P: Subtract the sum of calories out (exercise) and difference between basic metabolic rate and calorie deficit to lose weight from the calories in.
A: In – (Out + (BMR-deficit))=Net
2300 – (2500 + (2700-1000))=x (We’re solving for x. This is a simple equation, folks…)
2300 – (2500 + 1700) = x
2300 – (4200) = x
2300 – 4200 = x
-1900 = x
In this example, I’d have a NET CALORIE INTAKE of -1900 (negative 1900) for the day. Negative calories. If I did that every day, I’d die, but I was trying to use easy numbers for those of you that didn’t pay attention to Listy. Looking at that, it’s no wonder people lose 10 fucking pounds on this diet.
Here’s the problem. When you cut back your calories so drastically, some people will tell you that your body goes into a fasting/starvation mode where anything you eat will be stored as fat (easy to burn) in case your next meal isn’t for a while. Now, maybe that’s true, but here’s the real big issue.
I
Like
To
Eat
That’s why people gain the weight back. On day 4, they go back to eating 6000 calories again (have you checked out the nutritional value at McDonalds or Taco Bell? Give it a shot…) and the water weight they lost comes right back, plus the calories they burned…
Seriously. I exercise to eat. I don’t eat so I don’t have to exercise. And know what? I like it that way. I don’t mind putting in the cardio and weightlifting effort, because I know I can reward myself with a bucket of chicken….for a snack. People, I’m writing all of this incoherently so I can say this one simple phrase about your military, gluten free, paleo, Adkins, or whatever diet…. You’re fucking stupid. Eat what you need, count your calories, and get some exercise. If you want 1700 calories of CAKE today, go ahead and have it. You’re going to be hungry at the end of the day, because that’s not a lot of food…but it’s still 1700 calories. Don’t starve yourself like this. Seriously, of all the stupid shit I’ve done…
Oh, and fuck everyone.
-Plonker
PS
*** Those of you that Crossfit…what the actual fuck? Do you need the Crossfit games? You need the olympics of exercise? Hey look, he did a bunch of sit ups while someone rolled a 10′ tire over his back…gold medal! Of all the stupid shit… Someone get me a plastic barrel.
