So for those who know the real Plonker (trademark pending), they know I’m kind of a keep to myself guy. At the same time, I’m an opinionated bastard and have no problem speaking my mind when asked, I just tend to keep to myself unless provoked. In that way I’m not too different to a King Cobra or Porcupine…or skunk. That can mean whatever you want it to. You might be asking why this is (you’re not, but it doesn’t prolong the post unless I write it that way). Well, Fujupz Freakz, that’s a great question and here’s the answer…no confidence.
Now, the no confidence thing doesn’t discriminate. All my life, regardless of how I look (fitness), what I do (job/activity), how much money I have/make (which is always “not enough), what kind of car I drive, where I live…doesn’t matter. There’s no confidence. I’m pretty sure men everywhere can be/are impacted by this. So this week’s (hahahahaha – month’s is more like it) Plonker Sez is for YOU, guys. It’s for those of us who stand against the wall in the high school gym watching the dance (or stay at the bar in the club watching the same thing). It’s for those of us terrified to approach beautiful women, because “what would she want in me?” This is for us, losers! …and I mean that in the best possible way.
Okay, so there are 5 Stages to dating when you have no confidence. It’s kind of like the 5 stages of grief (for those not in the know, it’s denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance). You really must go through a step-by-step process. Rarely can you skip through any of it. The exception would be if you suddenly gain confidence at some point and break the chain. If you do, hat’s off my friend.
Stage 1 – Single Life RAWKS!
You walk around naked, poop with the door open, eat dinner out of the pan standing at the sink, your body goes to hell, you binge watch TERRIBLE movies on netflix (see: The Core). It’s basically a desperate cry for help masquerading as someone having a fun time with life. Everyone starts here. You think, “Hey, I’m single now I’m going to get so much pussy!” (wait…can I say that now? I said you’re going to GET it not you’re going to GRAB it…back down feminazis…but yeah you think you’re going to grab pussy too) and “all my money is MINE now! I’m going to buy a motorcycle!”.
Then reality starts to set in. You don’t buy a motorcycle, you buy sweatpants. Then bigger sweatpants. Then you skip those and just get those loose fitting mesh gym shorts.
Then you stop getting on the scale and start ordering all of your meals as carry out. Yeah, single life RAWKS…except you have no confidence, so you are too much of an axe wound to approach beautiful women when you see them. The feminazis have helped that along, making it damn near a capital offense to complement a woman’s eyes or smile, but I digest…
When the reality finally sets in that “no, this does not rawk” you can move on to stage 2.
Stage 2 – I need to do something…
This is where things actually do get fun. You find another buddy with no confidence who is also single and you go out and start doing shit. Fun shit, crazy shit, stupid shit, you don’t care so long as you’re doing shit (no homo – unless you’re homo in which case maybe it includes homo…I have no idea how that works…).
In my case with Josh, we started going to b-dubs. Then that got expensive and we started hitting the gym. Then we stopped doing that and decided to ride bikes. That’s fun when I’m not blowing out my knee and it’s not freezing…and it is a great workout and helps you lose weight.
Anyway, then you stop doing that shit and maybe you pick new shit. This stage can go as long or as short as you want. Maybe “shit” for you guys is playing darts and you get bored with it after an hour and move to the next stage. Maybe like Josh and I you ride bikes for over two years before one of you decides to move to the next stage. Either way, once you tire of the monotony of “doing shit”, you move on to the next stage.
Stage 3 – I’m doing TOO MUCH!
Yeah, Stage 3 is basically realizing that you’re drowning your sorrows in Stage 2 and you start to back a few things off. Why? Because you need some you time, dawg! Usually in this stage, you start to look at the scale again and say “holy fucking shit what happened?” and start watching that again. But this stage is largely about reduction. Reducing people you text, the porn on your phone (that hurt), how much time you spend doing pointless shit.
I don’t want to make it sound like you STOP doing shit, because you don’t. You just stop doing shit that isn’t productive. I fully intend to keep riding, keep working out. But maybe the piano lessons can go on the back burner. Maybe remodeling my house more can go there as well. In fact, Josh and I decided that my next projects should be taking care of the garage so I can get a lawnmower and I want to work on moving my bedroom to the basement so The Offspring can have the entire upstairs to himself (except we’ll share the bathroom until I get one put in down in my bedroom…). But those projects should be pretty quick and easy. We’re talking about putting in a door, opening an (existing) doorway in a wall, and potentially removing some paneling. All easy shit. See? I’m cutting back. At this point, you can join me as we move to Stage 4.
Stage 4 – What do women want? Oh…not me. Or do they?
This stage is a quick one (though entertaining and educational) and then we’re on to a new stage. In this stage, you probably even go on a few dates, maybe a few “hookups” or some “netflix and chill” events. Everything kind of fizzles with the normal chicks and you meet some real weirdos that are into you, but they’re just too insane to consider dating.
The education and entertainment (edutainment?) actually comes in because of dating. For guys with no confidence, we can’t just go up to girls at the bar, in the mall, leaving middle school, etc. So where do we run…
ONLINE DATING!!!
Ladies and gentlemen (and those of you reading this nodding your head, you sick freaks), let me tell you…online dating is… I don’t even know how to describe it.
It’s a fucking nightmare is what it is. Women don’t reply, they don’t even read your messages. They’ll view your profile and not respond. Then when they do, they ask you questions like (on the first date and I’m not even shitting you) “What’s your credit score?” or (third date no joke) “How many times do you think we would have to have sex before I got pregnant?”
Ladies….STOP THAT!!! It’s freaky as fuck! You talk about guys being creepers (and I’m the CEO of the National Organization of Men Newly Oriented in Menacing – yeah… I made it spell “NOM NOM”) but some of you are just psychotic. You need to police yourselves.
After you’ve had enough fun with that, you’re faced with a fork in the road. One path leads you back to Stage 1 and you get to enjoy being single. For those of you who can break the cycle and gain some temporary confidence, you’re headed to Stage 5. Buckle up, big boy…let’s check it out.
Stage 5 – WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING!?
This is without a doubt the most frightening stage for all of manhood…until you’re about 14. For those of us with no confidence, we never grow out of it. In our case, this stage is scary as fuck. In fact, this stage has one of those fire poles like in Ghostbusters.
This is so you can slide immediately back to Stage 1. It’s also kind of an ejection seat. If you get too scared, just pull the handle.
However, if you get a little bit of confidence in this stage you are going to say “fuck this shit, I want my unicorn!” You’re going to think of everything you want in a woman, morph her into one woman in your head, and you’re going to go looking for her. When you find her (or think you have done so) you’re going to be absolutely certain she isn’t interested in you. To the point that you’re going to second guess asking her out about a dozen times.
But finally you decide to pull the trigger and when you do you can’t help but thinking “what the fuck am I even doing here?” You’re about to fail miserably is what you’re doing.
But guys, go for it! What’s the worst that can happen? She says no? YOU HAVE A FUCKING EJECTION SEAT! Take that shit back to “I LOVE BEING SINGLE” land! Build your confidence up again and try next time.
Now while those are the 5 stages of dating for guys with no confidence, I also have some tips for you guys.
- Dude…just go for it.
- That’s it. Really, think about it logically…what could possibly happen? She says yes, you date, fall in love, get married, she divorces you, takes your kids, your money, your house, and your testicles and you get to play again…okay that’s pretty bad.
- Be picky, so #2 doesn’t happen.
- That’s it.
Thanks for reading. Next month: How to deal with rejection; a Plonker tale…
