So where do I start? Well, let’s start here…holy shit I’m out of shape. So Josh and I decided today, since it’s 60º in January (which clearly puts to bed those rumors of that made-up “Climate Change” stuff) that we’d start training for our next long bike ride, which is probably going to be Cedar Point again. Anyway, so we decide on a noon start but I got hung up at work, dicking around with a telephone. …you wouldn’t think that’s so complex but it really is! So yeah I got hung up at work, then Josh did the same and our “noon-ish” start ended up being 3:00. That’s pretty much par for the course for us here at Fujupz, so that’s not the point of this story.
Josh was excited to try his new clipless pedals and me? Well, I was just excited to…no, “excited” isn’t the right word. I just wanted to burn…no, “wanted” isn’t right either. I was being guilted into riding, so out to the garage I go. One of the problems last year was my leg hurt me like a motherfucker on the ride back. After talking to some “experts” at a bike shop, and googling (thus, ourselves becoming experts), we decided I should check my seat position. Height was fine, but the seat is just too far forward. It also turns out I’m on a 17.5″ fucking bike…when I should be on something in the 22″-24″ range (again, after measuring with a string tied to a washer). Holy fuck! So now I’ve got to go buy a new bike frame…and brakes. I really need brakes. But even that isn’t the point of this incoherent rant.
The point of this bitch-session is don’t get fat. And I mean it. Don’t. Put down the cheetos, pick up a glass of water and get your fat ass on the treadmill! Why? Well let’s discuss…
First, if you’re like me at all, you like younger women.
No, Chris. Not…not that young. I mean like 8 years younger than me. Down to 18 though under 21 means no cruises for a while. I know 16 is legal around here but fuck that’s creepy. Yeah, I said it…that’s creepy. That’s coming from ME! Yeah, it’s creepy. If you’re in your 30s dating a 16 year old “because it’s legal” (shit, if you’re not in your “teens” dating a 16 year old…), I only have two things to say to you.
A) “ew”, and
2) “High five, man!”
Anyway, so I like younger women. Again, they should be out of preschool, you know something in the age range that won’t find me some drug dealer’s wife for 8 to 10… You know what younger women want? Fit guys. Doesn’t matter if they’re fit themselves, or chubby, or “full figured” (I think the term “bbw” goes here, but I don’t know… I usually just say “bigger” but I guess sometimes that’s offensive), they all like a guy who’s in shape. Look at that Gosling dude. Do you think he has a problem pulling younger bitches? Nah. He’s ripped! You know who else likes guys in good shape? Older women! So even if you don’t hang out at the middle school playground to talk to your girlfriend, you should be in shape. Women love that. Especially those “v” things that point to your crotch. Of course there’s a limit. If you’re dating Mrs. Skeletor or your girlfriend looks more like the Cryptkeeper than an actual woman, it probably matters more what you’re packing than what you look like. At the end of the day, she’s not putting you in the will for your six pack, she’s got you there for your hard eight… But for the 80% of the women out there that aren’t in diapers because they’re too old or too young, they like a fit dude.
Do you know what women don’t like? They don’t like the way Josh and Plonker struggled to make it through LESS THAN THREE MILES on bicycles today. Imagine, if you will, two fat dudes. They’re wheezing and huffing and puffing their way up a moderate incline. Now imagine that the fatter of the dudes is on a bicycle that’s too small for him. They literally made a family guy episode about Josh and I where Peter played the part of Plonker. See below:
That’s exactly how I picture my fat ass on this bicycle.
Now you might be saying, “but Plonker, riding a bicycle will help you lose weight” and you’d be right. It did before, it will again. It’s a matter of time and effort. One I have, the other I don’t give, so…
But also consider that hauling your fat ass up a hill on a bicycle is hard work! I mean, if you want to see what I mean try this. Go out to your car and pick it up. Now I want you to walk up a flight of stairs. That’s what I endure every day. It’s like I’m carrying a car around my gut. I think I’m getting to the point of collapsing in on myself like one of those supermassive black hole things. (heheheheh “black hole” hehehehe)
You might be thinking, “okay so don’t get fat because of women” but no. That’s not my point here, either. I mean, yeah women are great. They’re soft, they smell good, and you can have sex with them and they usually know how to make sandwiches. All good things! But really, it’s not the point to my ramblings. There is, however, one reason in particular that you shouldn’t let yourself get fat. I almost feel like I should have Sarah McLachlan make a commercial about this, it’s so important. Okay, I’ve kept you in suspense bored for long enough. The real reason you shouldn’t let yourself get fat is…
…
Wait for it.
…
God, fucking wait for it!
…
Your dick is 1″ smaller with ever 30# you gain.
…I’m on a quest to lose 720#.
