To quote Bruce Willis, “I don’t get it. I just don’t get it. And, I don’t like it. Where’d I go wrong?”
I’m a reasonably good looking guy. Yeah, I could lose a pound or 90, but who can’t these days? And sure, I’ve been losing my hair since I started dating the first wife when I was 16, but a bald head is just a solar panel for a sex machine, right? That’s what I tell myself when I’m fighting back tears (and losing) while abusing my fleshlite. But I’m not hideous by any stretch.
I’m also reasonably successful. Sure, I make piss poor decision after piss poor decision, but I’ve somehow managed to overcome all of that in life. I’ve got a nice career at a place where they seem to appreciate me, and while I live paycheck to paycheck that’s more a result of Sai Ko sucking all of my money like some parasitic lamprey than me just blowing money (though Josh and I both do our fair share of that). Even the paycheck to paycheck lifestyle isn’t terribly bad, I mean I handle my business, I can cook, I sometimes clean my house, and I always make time for a bedtime story and song for the offspring.
So how the fuck is it I always wind up getting the attention of the crazy ones? There have been a very few that seem normal, and some have come and gone while others are there but we haven’t made anything happen yet (and it’s all due to my lack of trust, which we’ll get back to more as we discuss the crazy ones), but for the most part these bitches are insane!
If they’re not only interested in me for money, it’s favors, or they want to get pregnant (which I assume is money related), or food, or money, or they like attention, or they want money. Why can’t a nice guy seem to find a girl who just wants a nice guy? Everyone keeps saying that “it’ll happen when you least expect it” and let me tell you…I haven’t expected it any less than I have over the last year or so. It’s to the point where I’ve considered switching sides! I mean, it worked out for that Jenner dude(tte)…I think. I remember from band camp initiation walking around marching in a bra and heels and doing just fine, maybe it’s something I should try again? No, I really couldn’t. Women have something I just adore.
As for men? No offense guys, but I don’t even like my penis let alone yours. No, I’m stuck on the straight side of the fence. My apologize to straight women and gay men everywhere. A side note, I recently was at a B-Dubs in the city that is home to the Mousiest Place on Earth and was getting hit on by some guy who was cruising pretty much the entire bar. The married guy next to me ended up leaving after a while and suspiciously the hitter (is that what you call them? the person who’s hitting on the other person? Usually it’s me…I don’t know what to call it!) left about 5 minutes later.
Anyway back to the crazies. I’ve started to accept it as a fact that women are just insane. Sure, maybe they’re that way because of men or maybe they’re just born this way (all respect to Lady Gaga – I love that guy) and can’t help it? I don’t know. And you know what? I just don’t care. If you read my previous post on dating for men with no confidence, I jumped down the fire pole to Stage 1 again. If you haven’t read it, scroll up…or down…or… I don’t know. Just look through all of my incoherent rants and you’ll see it. Long story short is I’m back to not giving a fuck because, hey…I’m single…and single rocks! I mean, look at the money I’m saving by not having to buy Valentine’s Day presents, and St. Patrick’s Day, and God only knows what else the card companies have come up with between now and Christmas. Anyway, fuck it. Now is my time to be the dirty old man (at the ripe old age of thirty-leven).
What am I going to do? I’ll tell you what I’m going to do! I’m going to hit on everyone (hot) that I come into contact with (and probably some not so hot ones – because I’m Plonker…and I must Plonk…) expecting nothing more than a slap or a face full of pepper spray. I’m going to eat my pizza straight from the oven, still bubbling on the pan, standing up at the sink, stark naked, hurrying so I can get back to playing my video games! Oh yeah…I had to sell my Wii-U to finance The Wizard of Laws because of Sai….well shit. Okay then I’ll hurry so I can get back to South Park style Porn!
And with all the money I save by switching to “I don’t give a fuck” maybe I’ll just go out and have some fun with people! Maybe women, maybe bros, maybe both! Maybe some chicks I’m into, maybe some that are even into me! That would be the shit! But one thing I can guarantee you, because based on life experience it’s almost a damn certainty.
None of them will be normal.
