So I know it’s hard to believe, but I’m still single. Yes, lonely, desperate, horny Plonker. Imagine a fat and naked man, alone at his computer, elbow deep in chicken wings and porn. That is the essence of Plonker.
Yes, that’s right. The dude who makes you drool, the man who makes you moist, the Plonk who…I don’t know. Something something pussy. Yes, I’m still without woman. I went through the steps, I’ve returned to the “get fat again” step like four times now, and I want to be clear about this.
I
Love
It
Yes. I love it. Why? Because I’m an independent woman and I don’t need no man. Because I’m a complete person without a woman. I’ve gained so much weight lately I’m practically two complete people! I know how to do laundry, clean my house, even make a sandwich! In fact, I have been known to make half a dozen sandwiches if necessary. If I would put down the sandwiches and do a sit up now and then maybe I could do the other thing that women do for men by myself. Until that happens, I guess I’ll just have to do it the old fashioned way.
The past couple years without any serious companionship (granted, I’ve had a few dates here and there, a few flings, it’s been fun….I guess Hoff counts for “companionship”…no homo) have been really educational. First, I’ve learned just how much I enjoy not having to coordinate with someone when I want to do something, ask for permission in some cases, eat what I want when I want, come and go as I please, and most importantly, pick up and go away for an overnight with the offspring on a whim if I choose to.
Of course, it certainly has its downsides. I mean, my sex life is boring. I know every freckle and hair on the palms of both hands… Then there’s the solo home upkeep and let me tell you that is a bitch. My house goes through cycles. It’ll be immaculate for a little bit, then it’ll be just downright filthy, then I’ll slowly get it back to reasonably acceptable, and by that time I’ve usually scrounged enough nickels together to pay Molly Maid to come out for a cleaning…and they earn it. The yard is a never ending battle. I mow, I pick up sticks, I trim bushes, I clean out landscaping and it just never fucking ends. Seriously I want to hit the lotto not so I can retire and live a lavish life, I just want either synlawn or a full yard rock garden. Anyway, I’m getting a little off track and that’s…wait…I’m fucking Plonker, that’s what I do! Here’s a picture of Bugs Bunny farting.
That was fun, but back to being single. I guess this is also kind of fun. As an example, today for breakfast, I ate a huge bowl of cinnamon toast crunch, naked, at my desk, while sending out emails for work! Not many guys with a significant other can do that. You know, you have to be proper and all of that. Nag, nag, nag… Later today after some training at work, I get to come home and mow the grass (or I can procrastinate and do it tomorrow morning, so that’s what I’ll be doing), and then work on remodeling my man cave. Yes, I have a man cave.
Typically a man cave is supposed to be a room in the basement or garage where the man can go to get away from the woman, because as men we fucking need that! Unfortunately, most men don’t do it right. They forget the 3′ of dirt, 18″ of lead shielding, and blast door. Hoff has made a few suggestions (of course, he makes them about 2 days from completion after telling me for months to “think it through”…that rat bastard!) and they’re actually going to be freaking awesome. For those that don’t know, and you don’t if I haven’t texted you, I’m putting in a 15′ (that’s one mark there…for feet…fifteen feet) screen for the projection screen. Additionally, we’ll have a new putting green, new paint, and a wet bar. Who doesn’t like a wet bar?
So, guys… Come on down! Let’s play some simulator golf, put on Netflix or an iTunes movie, toss back a few drinks (something fruity for Hoff), and have a good time. But NO GIRLS ALLOWED…because I’m single, and I kind of like it.
