So it’s October, one of the best months of the year, and primarily for one reason…playoff baseball. Hello everybody, it’s Plonker, your favorite friendly, handsome, caring, giving, douche and I’m writing about baseball!
If you know me at all, you know I’m a huge fan of a certain baseball team that plays their home games on the corner of Carnegie and Ontario street in Cleveland. For those of you still unaware, they’re the Cleveland Indians. They’re having another solid season, and while anything can happen in the playoffs, their chances of sealing the deal this year are good. But I’m not here to talk to you about the game on the field, I’m here to talk to you about the games in the stands. I’m talking about us, the fans, the spectators…we are the worst.
This doesn’t apply just to Indians fans, mind you. All sports fans are terrible people ,that do terrible things, wear terrible clothes, and eat terrible food. Okay, so the food is pretty good.
Here’s my top three pet peeves at ballgames
1. “I’m only here because it’s an important game” guy.
I think I hate you more than others, but it’s a close call. You’re the asshole at a Yankees game in your Jets gear, at a Tribe game in your Browns shirt, at a Browns game in…well…do people still go to those? You’re only at the particular venue because you live close and you want to seem like you’ve been a fan all year. You’re literally wasting space in the ballpark. Please leave. Nobody cares about your chosen sport. If they did, they’d be there instead. You’re changing no minds
B. “I’m all dressed up in my gear” guy.
If you are older than 12, you should probably not have a glove on. Definitely leave the batting helmet at home, unless it’s plastic and filled with nachos or ice cream. You’re embarrassing yourself and the people sitting around you. If a ball comes your way (and it won’t, because you’re in the 500 level so you could save $4 on your ticket), grow a pair and use your hand to catch it. It’s not going to hurt you, but it might sting for a while. Just fucking catch it. I promise, they’re not going to call you out of the crowd to pitch the 9th inning, you’re not going to get to pinch hit with the bases loaded and 2 outs late in the game. You just look like a fool. Stop this.
4. “Jersey” dude
The same “older than 12” rule applies, but there’s an exception for women. Yes, it’s a double-standard. No, I don’t give a fuck. Don’t like it? Red “x” top right or left corner, folks!
You’re the fuckwit wearing a jersey…with a player’s name on it. I’ll never forget in high school, our golf coach pulled us aside and explained to use how in prison a man will take another man and make him his bitch. From then on, the bitch is his property. Now, we never asked why he told us that and we never asked how he knew, but I will say that you kiiiiiiinda have that “I’m (insert name) property” vibe. Believe me, nobody is mistaking you for that player. You just look like some dude’s prison wife.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Go tribe!
