Hello all of you fujupz freakz and welcome to another edition of PLONKER SEZ. I’ve been on hiatus (translation: I’ve been too lazy to type) but I’m here, and I’m taking some time out of my busy day (which consists of Subway, The Office, and left handed masturbation…not in that order) to sit down and write a post for you…the people.
This one won’t be that long (boy, if I had a nickel…) but hopefully it’ll be enterfensive (mixture of “entertaining” and “offensive”) enough to draw me back to write another one. I say I’m writing for you, but it’s really to entertain myself. Apparently my penis has stopped being entertaining enough for me. I guess by now it should, actually it should be worn down to a nub by now with 20+ years of constant abuse, but that’s for another post…
So today I’ve got three things that are really pissing me off, and lucky you I’m going to write about them.
People who use “they” instead of “their”.
Now, aside from the fact that you sound like a fucking retard, they actually are different words with very different meanings.
For those of you who didn’t make it past the third grade, they is the third person plural pronoun for he, she, or it. It literally refers to people.
Their is an adjective that refers to the belongings of the people. It describes something. Jesus fuck just now typing this I can’t help but think how I need a blood pressure pill and seven drinks. Stop this! JUST STOP! Next…
*whispering* It’s number two…
Number two is literally number two. Now this may be something you’re into and if so, I don’t care if it offends you. I’m not and I don’t know anyone who is (has admitted that they are…but maybe my one buddy who seems to be into almost anything, and his name isn’t Hoff. You’re reading this, and you know who you are, ya sick bastard.) so it needs to stop.
WHY DO PEOPLE WANT TO POOP ON OTHER PEOPLE DURING “SEX”?
It’s not stupid, it doesn’t make you seem retarded or inbred or uneducated…it makes you disgusting. Keep in mind who is criticizing you here. This is Plonker. This is how low you’ve become.
(and as I’m writing this I am cringing at all of the poop porn my email is about to be flooded with….I may have to change my pseudonym)
It drops into the toilet, you flush it down, and if you’re on a Japanese toilet, the little water nozzle comes in and cleanses your starfish so you can move on with life. It doesn’t belong on a lady’s face, or a dude’s chest, or in someone’s mouth. STOP!
Okay, finally…
Number 3!
God damn Jennifer Lawrence is hot. I’d do so much to her, I’d even let her po—no, stop Plonker! Stop! Where was I? Oh, yeah! Okay number 3…
Fucking. Landscaping.
They were supposed to be here last week. They were supposed to be here today. I just want to know if I need to go back and mow the hay field (not literally, it’s tall fescue or maybe bluegrass that’s “gone to seed” and it’s about 3′ tall. I’m going to need to take it down with a weedwhacker, and I don’t really have any long pants, so that sucks. If they’re coming, there’s no sense in mowing because my yard is getting fucked up anyway. If they’re not, I don’t want a fine from the county or township or whoever…and since the riding mower no longer wants to work (it runs, but it doesn’t drive) I have to use the self-propelled pusher. I wish they’d just tell me what’s up. FOR FUCKS SAKE PEOPLE I JUST WANT A BASEBALL FIELD IN MY BACK YARD!
Next time on Plonker Sez, “People who put stupid shit in their yard.”
CYA!
