Incompetence Everywhere

Hello there, assholes. It’s your fat ass, balding, cavalierly perambulating friend Plonker again. This time I’m here to talk to you folks, young and old, about incompetence. I actually wrote this last November but apparently am so incompetent that I didn’t hit the “publish” button. Wompwomp?

For those of you under 40, just continue ahead. For those of you with one foot in the grave, the other at the home having pudding and pills, I’ll try to go slow. Drag your finger from the bottom of the screen to the top, then lift, then do it again. No…stop using your nail. Use your finger tip.

..You don’t have to hit it that hard.

…are we ready now? Let’s continue.

I’ve been wanting to write this for a few weeks now, but I wanted to have at least three things to talk about in order to make this of reasonable length, and what do you know? I have three stories now. Follow along.

Old people and their technology
This used to be my most absolutely hated sector of the population, but I think over the last six months, as I’ve experienced further exposure to idiots, that might have changed. I mean, seriously how fucking hard is it to use an iPhone? I’ve got one individual who constantly is bitching that her iPhone doesn’t work. It’s a fucking iPhone! It’s designed for idiots like me to be able to use it!
Most of the time, her issue is something simple, like instead of touching the screen, she’s trying to hammer her fingernail through it. Yes. Her fingernail. Have you ever tried to do anything with your fingernail? If you aren’t using something like nano nails (not an endorsement), it’s not going to work. They’re made to be used with your finger tip. And you don’t have to hammer through it like you’re trying to compress the phone into a singularity either, just press it. It’s fucking magic.
Anyway, recently my travels took me to the local grocery store. The same one I’m at, probably 2-3 times a week. I try to buy as fresh as possible, but usually I’m there for nachos and toilet paper. Anyway, this particular trip I was buying some ground beef, bread, (nachos and toilet paper) and other assorted supplies for dinner when I stumbled upon my dilemma. Do I wait for 3 people in the express lane, or get behind one person in a “normal” lane? I chose the shorter line.

So there I am, 2/3 of the way to fat, dumb, and happy, in line to buy my food (and nachos and toilet paper) thinking about how great my hamburger-rice (those are the ingredients, you cook them, there’s your recipe, fuckface) is going to taste when I start to become aware of the situation in front of me. The cashier, frantically scanning and bagging groceries for the woman who reminded me of Skeletor with boobs and a turkey gizzard. Anyway, so this brain fart, in her infinite wisdom, has her credit card (chip card, I’m guessing) stuck in the slot. Yes, yes, you’re already right and stop getting ahead of me. The cashier reminded her (paraphrasing all of this)
Cashier: Hey I need to finish scanning before you can do that?
Fuckwit: Do what?
C: Insert your card.
F: It is.
C: I know, I have to finish scanning before you can insert that.
F: Oh! (takes it out)
So then after the scanning is complete, now it’s
C: You can insert your card now.
F: Where?
Me: Did you grow up under power lines?
Okay, so I didn’t say that, but I wanted to. The only thing worse than this is the person who decides to wait until the cashier has finished scanning and bagging everything to decide “I’m going to write a check”. Seriously, who writes checks? I have my bank send paper checks because the hospitals, ambalampses, doctors, and fire departments billing me for my little “roofie adventure” charge an extra fee to pay by credit card, but I can’t remember I wrote a personal check at a store. I did write a few checks recently to people, and one to offspring’s preschool, but not inside a store in forever. Anyway, I’m getting off track. You all know the type. Everything is done and now it’s “I’m going to write a check”, at which point this miserable old gargoyle starts digging through, what can only be described as a surplus military duffel bag, but which she refers to as “my purse”, in search of her checkbook. Then she needs a pen. Then the pen doesn’t work so she needs another one. Then the cashier says “just sign it and the printer will fill it all out for you” but OH NOOOOO we can’t have that because these are the two part checks and heaven forbid she doesn’t fill out her check register when she’s standing there (which she does first, so we get to wait for that and then she fills out the check) so you get to wait even longer.

Why can’t old people just accept technology to make their lives easier? Why can’t we use it? And why do they have to make it so complicated? Why is it, when you explain something (trying to help – which they ask for), they do the exact opposite? Even my 4 year old doesn’t do that. Why is my child more mature than old people?!

Maybe it’s time for old people to just stop using technology. Grandma doesn’t need a Facebook
Grandpa don’t need to text you

If you want to get in touch with them, call them. Want to show them pictures of your food from the Olive Garden (ew), print them out and write a nice letter to them. Then stick a stamp on it and (gasp) mail it. I’m tired of old people who don’t understand how technology works. I’m too smart for this.
Assholes smarter than technology
This is possibly my newest most hated and frustrating sector of the world population. Luckily for me, I work in an industry absolutely dominated by the incompetent assholes. Just look at my company. Know who’s in charge? Me.
But also luckily for me, in my industry, the equipment manufacturers design these documents called…checklists. Yes, that’s right, we have a book (it’s literally a book) designed for one purpose only…to tell you how to operate the damn thing. Now, I have a theory that there are two reasons they do this. First, it’s because they built it so they’d know, right? And second, it’s so you wouldn’t have to come up with your own procedures. But the sad reality is it’s because they had a lawyer write it to keep them out of trouble.You might be saying, “but Plonker, what kind of trouble could they get in?” and that’s where the assholes all stand up and in unison say “we’ll show you!”

So my aerospace vehicle has been used by others for about six months now, and every time I return to actually work (that one time a month), there’s always a problem. Why? Assholes. I’ll give you a few examples below.
A) Switches – There’s a specific order in which certain switches are to be operated in the aircraft. Assholes are not to be deterred as they invent their own procedures and just leave those switches off rather than operate them. Way to go, asshole. I salute you.
2) Automatic systems – Many of these systems have an automatic mode. Of course, for safety, you are welcome to operate them yourself…but why would you want to? Fear not! Assholes are on the job to answer that very question. I sear to God if I find that air conditioner not in “remote” one more fucking time…
D) Simple shit – So I’m a bit OCD. I like things done the way I like them done and that includes properly covering the vehicle, but more importantly…putting those covers away when they’re done. I have a system, learned by my last supervisor, for making sure everything is put back in just the right place. You start from the front, work your way around the right side to the back, and then finish up with the very back. When you put them on, it’s the exact opposite. Works well, last long time, everything is where it should be. This isn’t really a technology thing so much as an “are you fucking serious?” thing but it does go to the whole “asshole” theme of this section of my rant.

Anyway, yeah assholes who are smarter than technology. Just fucking stop.
Incompetence at work
This, in a large way, is related to #2 (your laugh here). So just today I spent about six hours chasing down a part, mechanic, and coordinating logistics for a repair that needed to occur. Now, I’m no repairman, I’m a simple minded motherfucker “with a checklist and a button to push” (Crimson Tide, Gene Hackman). But this one I caught myself. How? It’s the wrong size. By a large amount. You might find yourself asking, “but Plonker, how did you make this determination?”
Answer: I did my job.Yep, it’s that simple. I did my job. I’m not really sure why people are so lazy and/or incompetence. Perhaps laziness leads to incompetence or maybe the other way around? Perhaps both? This could’ve been avoided by spending 3 minutes, on a computer, typing some letters into a search box (what I did to resolve the situation – though I also had to get on the phone and coordinate shit for 5+57…it was exhausting)

So as I see it, I’ve got two issues to deal with. One, either we’ve got people operating the damn thing that are incompetent or two, we’ve got people maintaining the damn thing that are incompetent.

I guess it could be both.

It’s probably both.

So Seriously, the Japanese people have toilets that will hose you down and then blow dry you when they’re done, why can’t something like a simple wifi printer function?