Hello there everybody (all 3 of you) and welcome to yet another edition of…PLONKER SEZ!

The current time is 12:38am on Monday, August 13, 2018 and I had a day that I just had to share with you. No, nothing good happened, but keep reading anyway. Yes, it’s long and boring (insert dick joke here) but whatever…it’s a diversion for you while you’re supposed to be working. Appreciate me!

So today…er….whelp…I guess it was yesterday now.  So yesterday was vacation day 7. We had discussed hitting up the gym to start working on lifting and abs in the morning. Bright and early at about 8am I was awake with an indescrible urge to vomit. Folks, all I’ve done on this vacation is eat. Well, I’ve also been drinking. That’s it. Eat, drink, ride bikes, ride thrill rides (more on that later) and fap. Lots of fapping. Not more than usual, but I usually do lots of fapping, so at least I’ve maintained my edge there.

Anyway, so I woke up, decided I wasn’t able to puke, and went back to sleep. I think it was about 9:45 or 10 when I became aware that the world was not as indicated by my dream (real shame too, because it was a good one…I’m making that up to make myself feel better) but in fact the world was real. Hoff and I exchanged a few texts and decided fuck the gym, let’s get food.

I really do love Fujupz Tripz. It’s a lot of the same stuff like, “man I’m so sick from eating, we should gym….hey, let’s go eat!” But I’m getting side-tracked…say, that reminds me if you like music and Tom Hanks, there’s a music video with him in it. I was going to post the link but frankly I’m too lazy right now so just google “TOM HANKS MUSIC VIDEO” and click the first link. That’s how I ended up watching it. Well, really I watched it in line for Maverick but I couldn’t hear it, so I watched it again back in the hotel room tonight. Catchy little song. But back to being an asshole…

So we head out into the world after I showered and tossed on some reasonably clean clothes. They were in the “clean-ish” pile. I may have to do laundry twice before we depart for home but for now these were somewhat clean. So we head to Bob’s (Bob Evans) and of course, it’s packed. We didn’t even go inside, we just saw he crowd and turned around. Luckily there was a Cracker Barrel (so racist…what they gonna call it next? Honky Bucket?) across the street and we went there. The wait was a whopping 20 minutes and we decided “fuck it” there as well. You may have noticed, but judging by the hit count you haven’t, that we’re kind of “line snobs”. We don’t like to wait in long lines. We’ll do an hour for a good coaster (Maverick last night) but that’s usually our limit. At this point in life, it applies to food as well.

One of our favorite breakfast places “in town” here is Berardis and we decided to head there. Unbeknownst to us, the Berardis in Huron is not the same exact thing as the Berardis in Sandusky. I’m not saying it was bad, because I ate everything, it’s just…  You know how if you really like Coca-Cola (I almost typed “coke” but the DEA may read this some day) and you order a “coke” at a restaurant and the waitress says “is Pepsi okay?” and you say “yes” but your mind really thinks “MOTHERFUCKER!”? It’s the same thing with Berardis in Sandusky. So we head to Berardis in Sandusky, get seated, and it was kind of a clusterfuck. Like I mentioned, it isn’t so much that it was bad (it wasn’t…not at all! Really, go there, the food is just fine.) it’s just not the Berardis in Huron. From now on, we’ll go to Huron before noon for breakfast…

After breakfast we came back to the hotel so I could grease up my legs (they rub together because I’m fat and if I don’t grease them up, I smell like cooked bacon from the friction, which is both delicious and disgusting), jettison excess fuel, and head to Cedar Point. By now it’s damn near 2:00. In fact, I think it was even 3:00 because I remember thinking “ah, a nice 6 hours” which means it would’ve been 5:00 but I know that’s wrong because…well, keep reading and you’ll understand. For now, let’s pretend it’s 2:00pm when we finish breakfast. It’s not an important detail, but we should all be on the same pages for the sake of continuity.

It’s 2:00pm, okay?  Okay.

So we’re finally in the car headed to Cedar Point. I have visions in my mind of barely being able to squeeze onto certain rides (Gatekeeper, Valravn, Rougarou, Corkscrew, Iron Dragon, Maverick, Raptor, Gemini, Blue Streak) and not fitting on others at all because…I’m fat (Top Thrill Dragster, Milennium Force, Wicked Twister, Steel Vengeance) but still getting to enjoy the day. Maybe even a ride on Max Air or the Matterhorn just for good measure. We do like the thrilling rides!

Pulling — wait…I should mention that several years ago now (2) I lost a bunch of weight real quick (I had my reasons (a girl – your laugh here)) but even down almost 60# from where I am today (I told you it was a bunch) I couldn’t get on Wicked Twister. My suits are always a bitch to tailor because of my shoulders and I’m wondering if that’s not the problem there. The over-the-shoulder restrains always hit my shoulders before they hit my man-boobs, so I really do think that’s just a physical limitation I’m going to be stuck with. We’ll see next year. I’m going to try to lose some ass fat also so maybe I sink down farther in the seat. But anyway, I just wanted to add in that I just may have too large of shoulders for that one. As for the others…those I can’t ride because I’m fat. Moving on.

Pulling in to the CP parking lot, we noticed it wasn’t as busy as the previous day (went to Cedar Point Shores – good times) demonstrated by the fact that the overflow parking lot wasn’t being utilized and there was still ample space in the main lot. As luck would have it, since I’m one of those assholes that will search for an hour trying to find a good parking spot, I got us a spot in the first non-handicapable parking row (3rd row total) and we made our way inside.

When we got in, we had an important stop to make. Hoff is a prescription glasses wearer and he likes to have the glasses strapped to his head (some rides require it, or you have to leave them with a non-rider and since we don’t have a fucking non-rider…) but he always seems to misplace, lose, or forget his strap, so we went into the first gift shop…no dice. Then the second gift shop…where he didn’t find what he wanted, but the hero of the day (me…) did.

Feeling triumphant, I led our way to a ride we’ve always just…skipped. The sky ride. Now some of you might be asking, “Plonker, what’s a sky ride?” And it’s a real simple ride. It’s basically a bucket dangling from a rope suspended about 1,000 feet in the air moving around half the speed of smell. It kind of looks like this:

In fact, it doesn’t “kind of “ look like that.  It IS that. See? Even says so on the picture!

We were both half joking about going on it, but not to be out-done I dragged both of our fat asses up the incline and got in the little cart. Of course, when I did it damn near tipped over (there’s a 600-ish pound per cart limit……we were close) until Hoff got in the other side. He was facing in the direction of travel (northwest) and I had my back to it. Let me tell you…neither one of us liked this ride at all. We both came damn close to buying Cinnabon rolls from this one. Yeah, we can ride all of the coasters and never touch the pussybar, but this?  There’s a pole in the middle we both almost grabbed for dear life. We made a pact not to ride this ever again.

After our life altering experience on the magic dingleberry cart ride, we made our way further into the park. I’m pretty sure we hit up corkscrew (I almost didn’t fit), then Magnum XL200 (I…almost didn’t fit) and were on our way to Maverick. We were going to hit Gemini but the wait was forever long (line snobs) so we just went back to Maverick…where the line was forever long and we skipped it.

In between all of that we did ride Pipe Scream. It’s an okay ride really, we’re just not sure if it’s supposed to be a kid’s ride or an adult ride. I mean, it’s not *in* Camp Snoopy, but it’s right against it and lots of kids ride it. I don’t know what to think, but maybe Hoff does. It was pretty good though, I’d give it a 3 out of 5 on the “Plonker thrill-o-meter” which ranks ahead of Iron Dragon (2) and slightly behind Dunkin Donuts (3.3). I kind of feel like Ed McMahon. “And Iron Dragon gets….Two Stars!” (I’m dating myself…)

After skipping Maverick we hit up the little petting zoo where I said hello to the cows and sheep. My friend the pig must’ve had a bath because he was pink, and asleep in the shady dirt. The ducks were also sleeping (my favorite animal) and the swan was showing off the utility of having that long and bendy of a neck. I tell you, if my neck were that long and bendy I….I’d never leave the house. I’d get nothing done.

Made our way further up in the park and got right on Rougarou (fat seat) which no, it’s not my favorite coaster but it’s far from bad. We give it a lot of shit, but it’s really not a bad ride. Reasonable height, not terrible speed, a few good inversions (though the first drop straight into vertical loop is a bit meh) and even some air time (if you’re in a fat seat where the restraint barely comes down yet is somehow “secure” enough…) so we ride it.

Making our way farther forward in the park (post Rougarou) we noticed the wait time on Valravn was going to be ridiculous because the line had wrapped allllll the way to the end of the queue. It’s 5pm on a Sunday, in August, we should just accept that it’s going to be busy. Well what better way to kill a Sunday when it’s busy at the park than…

THE ANNUAL FUJUPZ GOOFY GOLF CHAMPIONSHIP TOURNAMENT

We had a little practice round playing the indoor wizard 3D something-something bullshit mini golf the previous night (or…some time prior. The days are running together a bit.) and it did not go well for yours truly. Remember, I was a decent (pretty good, but I give myself zero credit really) golfer in high school and shortly after. Hoff…did none of those things. Hoff, chime in here buddy but did you ever play any organized sports? Folks, he’s not a sports kinda guy and that’s fine. He’s the smart one and I’m the athlete and that’s what makes this work. But anyway he definitely kicked my ass at the wizard hufflepuff lord of the rings putt-putt.

On the first 18 of Goofy Golf, (Olde Town, I think) I dusted him by 8 strokes. I was well on my way to victory!  …then the 2nd 18 began. Hoff, being the cunning Goofy Golfer that he is, immediately pointed out the beautiful ass on the chick playing one group in front. I quickly went 5 strokes down on the 2nd 18. Guise…it was a really nice ass. And yes, I went 5 down QUICK because of my distraction. I managed to recover and right the ship, but Hoff was playing a very good round of Goofy Golf.

On the 16th hole I added up the scores and determined that he was 1 up on me (for the championship, not just the 2nd 18…). He made a mistake, took a 3, I made 2 and went to the last hole tied.

Hoff failed to get around the circle and up the hill until his 4th shot, sinking his next putt for a 5. I needed 5 to tie, 4 to win.

One – around the circle.

Two – up the hill.

Three – and…

Wait, that’s the wrong….hold on.

Give me a second, I can fix this.

Three – It looks like a mirac…

Plonker is your 2018 Fujupz Goofy Golf Cham—wait, where did the hot ass go? Fuck.

Okay, so I won. We then got some food and went back to the park around 8:30pm.

This time, I think it ended up being the 5th row where we parked and guess what we rode first.  Yep…Sky Ride. This time we switched seats so I was facing the direction of travel and Hoff was even more of an axe wound than he was facing (hahahahah autocorrect tried to type “farting” *insert Peter Griffin laugh here*) forward. Much cooler temperatures, a little breeze and some humidity relief.

We were finally able to get on Maverick (I just love that ride), Gemini (I barely fit), Magnum again (after dark and it’s creepy as fuck heading out by the lake…also the trim brake was open which was a TOTALLY different experience in the turn-around!) and then called it a night. We were going to take a romantic ride on the Giant Wheel, but we called it quits.

All day we discussed what we’ve learned on these trips. What we’ve learned is that 8 days in Sandusky is probably 4 too many. Sadly, there’s just not much to do here outside of the amusement park. Sure there’s Goofy Golf, the movie theater (we saw Meg – better than expected), ate ice cream at Toft’s Dairy, and have plans to hit up the “I Bless the Rains Down In African wild deer and animals with long ass tongues safari”…but really we could do like 3 days of just riding rides, 1 day at the water park (which we could really do in a few short hours if lines cooperate) and that would be sufficient. It would even allow for a movie, Goofy Golf, and maybe the Toto’s Africa thing.

We’ve also learned that we need to plan this trip for nearly the last weekend that Cedar Point is actually open. Why? Because we’re fucking line snobs. There are so many people here right now. By the end of August, schools have started back up or at the least, people aren’t traveling in from many states away. That means we’re just left with Ohioans (or Michiganders) for the most part. Did I spell that right? You know what…I don’t even give a fuck. Anyway, we need to do this trip like a week later than we did this year.

Plans are shaping up for Bike Trip 4.0 to look like this:

Days 1-4(maybe 5): Depart Fujupz Studio P and head to Mason, OH (near Cincinnati). It’s roughly 300-ish miles. We figure 60-80 per day. If the elevation changes are kept to a minimum, we can increase the number. More hills mean fewer miles really.

Days 5(6)-6(7): King’s Island and perhaps their water park if we’re feeling it. We can ride almost everything (that we want to ride) at King’s Island in the course of a few hours. Last year we were there around opening and we rode everything by lunch. I think a morning to relax after a week of cycling, then hit the park, water park next morning, a few rides in the evening and early to bed, is probably the best plan.

Days 7(8)-9(10-11): Depart Mason and head to Sandusky. This trip is a little over 200 miles. Our trip here was 187 and we did it in 3 days so we’re pretty confident we could do 210 in 3 days (70 per day).

Days 10 (11, 12)-14: Do the Cedar Point/Sandusky thing.

Days 15-16: Cycle back to Studio P. We can do it in 2 days because we can just elect to make it the short route (essentially day 1 gets us back to Cleveland-ish, day 2 gets us home) so we can get an extra day chillin out, maxin, and relaxin all cool.

Plans aren’t firm, subject to change, void where prohibited. Also, we’re both business owners now (congrats Hoff on getting that started! It’s not easy, but very rewarding…and I know I *haaate* working for the man to bring home her pay for love….she says we gotta hold on to what we got. It doesn’t make a difference if—I’ll show myself out) so it’s subject to the success or failure of those as well, but that’s what we’re thinking.

So that was our Sunday to close out the first week of the vacation. We’ve ridden our bikes 190 miles, had more alcohol in a week than we have in the last year, enjoyed some rides, determined that I need to lose a bunch of weight…like now…, and we’re making plans for next year.

Alright, here’s the deal. There’s links on this post (somewhere…down there *pointing at the bottom of your screen* I think) where you can leave a comment. All you have to do is sign up and create an account and you can leave us a comment. I want you to do that, and then I want you to tell 3 other people to do the same thing. Then we need to get each of them to tell 3 people to do the same. Now I’ve heard some people say that this is like a pyramid scheme except, it’s not even a “scheme” per se…

Okay, it’s kind of a pyramid scheme. But rest easy knowing this won’t cost—Hoff, does it cost money to create an account here?

If it doesn’t, I want you to sign up and leave us some comments. What do you think we should do next year? Should we do the long ass (~600 mile) bike ride to King’s Island, Cedar Point and back? Should we just do the CP bike ride? Maybe do something entirely different? You tell us! If there’s enough comments (more than 10) I’ll pick my favorite one, to discuss in my next post, and I’ll use the least favorite one to kind of “roast”.

You have your assignment, this post will self destruct in 3…2…Good night!