So there I was…
In this Plonker Sez, I’m going to tell you of three stories that are sure to have you saying, “what in the actual blue fuck, mate?”. Let’s begin.
NUMBER ONE
These events happened in a lovely little town where I was on a work trip. A friend of mine lived there and he said we should go out and have some drinks. I think it was his way of trying to help me unwind from a nasty divorce with Sai. And if there’s anything I like, it’s fruity drinks, so yeah let’s go! We meet and head to some little bar somewhere in this town. If you’re wondering where the town is, I’ll give you a hint, it’s not New York, it’s kind of a Queen and it’s Charlotte… So we head out and I have one of the best “wet burritos” I’ve ever had. A little disclaimer, we started drinking pretty much the moment we walked in the door, so the burrito may not have been that great.
Anyway as the night progressed, we ended up doing a few drinks with a lady who worked for a United Parcel shipping company. It was then that the night got interesting. I can remember up to that point, and a few things thereafter. My friend had his wallet or phone stolen (by her), and as for me? He tried to fireman carry me, but I was beating the shit out of him so he tossed me on the ground. Cool friend, eh? So after that I was walking around town flagging down cars. You see, in my stupor I needed a ride “south” (whatever that means) to get away from “them” (if you’ve seen I Am Legend, I thought those things were chasing me…) and nobody would help.
Eventually, thank God, a driver phoned the po-po and they showed up. They were nice, and kind of surprised. They kept asking me questions and I had the answer to every single one. I knew my name, why I was there, even the address of the hotel and room number! They couldn’t figure out what was going on so they called an ambalamps. My BP was something like 230/140 and they highly suggested I go to the hospital. Next morning I wake up with IVs stuck in my arm, grab an Uber to the hotel and started putting the night back together. I made a few drunk dials, including to some coworkers. That was fun to explain, but everyone was cool. All in all, we chocked it up to “Plonker needed to cut loose”. As for my friend? He hasn’t partied with me since. Pussy…
At the time I probably should’ve died just from the blood pressure, so it was a little scary, but like I said…it’s funny now.
NUMBER TWO
This one was more scary than stupid. I was working in the toilet of america (NEW FUCKING JERSEY) and heading out for a work trip one morning at the ass crack of dawn. Hoff likes this story and seems to laugh more than he should…more than anyone should! So there I am, dressed, packed, ready to go! I figure since it was just a trip for the day I’d go grab my mail and make sure I had something to do while I waited for people.
No sooner does my key enter the lock on the mailbox than I feel something press into my back. I hear a voice tell me to give him everything in my wallet, so I did. I did ask for my work credentials so I could actually do my job, but told him he could have the credit cards, money, and everything else. It was then that he discovered my open garage door and said we were going inside.
If you’re wondering what was going through my mind at that point, a gun in my back, going inside my condo, it was “whelp…ima die”. I was actually in the middle of my first divorce at the time and had some thoughts that maybe her family had put out a hit on me, but after police investigation it seems like he was just there for drug money. So where was I? Oh yeah, we were going inside!
So we go inside and he tells me to give him the money I have, and he ends up with about $600 in cash. Then he grabbed my iPhone and iPad. I figured that was it, I’d be late for work waiting on police, but whatever…I hated that job anyway…but no this morning wasn’t over yet. At this time, and this is Hoff’s favorite part, he saw the fridge (it’s kind of an open floor plan…I did like that condo) and at gun point directed me to open it. Now, if you’ve ever been to Plonker’s house, then you know to wash up after you leave and not to turn on any black lights. But you also probably know that I rarely keep a full stocked fridge. In this case, I had some ham and cheese left over and that’s what this guy saw. You’re probably already thinking it, and you’d be right. Yes, to add insult to injury, the guy who held me up at gunpoint demanded that I make him a sandwich. Hoff laughs here. I think that was the worst, most humiliating, disturbing part of the whole event. But like I said before…it’s funny now.
NUMBER TREE
So this one happened recently, and I have to admit, I never thought it would happen to me. I mean, I’m a guy, and while I’m not hideous, I’m not Channing Tatum (can someone photoshop Plonker’s face on his body…or his face on Plonker’s body? Either way, it would be an improvement for Plonker) so I don’t quite understand what happened here.
I had a new sidekick on the job, just for the summer, and we headed out for our first trip together. Yeah, it was his first time working with me. Luckily he seems like a pretty cool guy so I figured we’d discuss work a little bit over meals and then moving forward we’d just kind of have some fun and relax on the road. Well…it didn’t exactly happen that way.
We get in and head for dinner, it was pretty tasty BBQ, and we head back to the hotel. It was a nice hotel, downtown, in a city that seems to be popular for live bands. We made plans for the next day to go see some sights and retired to our rooms. A few hours later, I get a text that he found a cool place a few blocks over and wanted to know if I wanted to grab drinks. Well…okay. I mean, twist my arm, right? So we head out and go to the top of this three floor bar. Live music, open windows with a nice breeze blowing through, cute bartender, it was a perfect setup.
Everything was going fine, I mean JUST FINE, until Plonker uttered those famous words. If you’ve not read the rest of these posts, you need to. Those words?
Let’s
Do
Shots
Yep, this was the big mistake. We started doing shots and, well…at some point things must have gotten out of hand. I mean, I can remember ordering some club soda because I said “I need to slow down a bit”. I remember topping it off because I wanted to stay hydrated. I can even remember singing AC/DC!
…I awoke the next morning in the emergency room.
As I looked around I mumbled, “fuck…”. So I sat up and waved to the nurses in the hallway, quietly saying, “excuuuuse me.” A nurse came in and talked to me briefly. She was followed shortly thereafter by one of Mashport’s finest. I thought I was being arrested, but no. He had come to talk to me because…when they ran toxicology on me, they found Rohypnol. Yes, the date rape drug. I got fucking roofied. My head was all foggy, and I had gaps in the timeline in my memory, but no alcohol symptoms (hangover). None whatsoever! Okay, so my BAC was a little high (*cough* point two nine *cough*) but I didn’t have the headache or anything!
So after talking with him for a few minutes, they checked my BP and such and told me my kidneys were recovering. “Recovering?”, said a surprised Plonker. “Yes, sir. You had acute renal failure when you got here.”
Excuse me…renal failure? As in, my kidneys stopped working?
Between the alcohol, dehydration (yeah, there were three tubes stuck in my right arm, apparently two were drugs and one was just for hydration…) and the Rohypnol, my kidneys couldn’t keep up. Apparently they’re like the rest of me, when they get overwhelmed they just say “fuck it” and take a nap.
Anyway, a boot in the ass, an uber ride later, and I’m back at the hotel in bed. I tried to drink a few glasses of water but couldn’t keep it down. Back to the Emergency Room I go. I told them “Hey…uh…I can’t keep water down.” and they stuck me with another IV. I can’t wait to get this hospital bill. More on money later…
After the second IV I head back to the hotel, get some sleep, wake up later feeling still foggy but not really feeling the effects of alcohol. I know what it feels like to be hung over and I just didn’t have it. This felt more like when I had Oxycontin after a medical procedure a while back. I. Don’t. Like. It.
Anyway, so I start texting with the sidekick and he recommends dinner. That’s a great idea, so I get up and get ready. A nice shower, a change of clothes, brush the teeth a few times, and I’m ready to go. Before this we discuss the receipt he found from the bar the previous night. He said it was a $600 tab. Unfortunately I put it on the company card and not personal card, so I knew I’d have to find a way to pay it back. Not a big deal, my employer is an understanding person and I don’t think they’d care, but still…$600? Shit!
The rest of the evening goes normally and I’m in bed around 9pm. I wake up the next morning for breakfast with a friend in town and check the company CC statement online to see what happened and…. $917. Nine. Hundred. Seventeen. Dollars. Okay, Plonker shake it off. I head downstairs to the valet to get the car for breakfast. As I’m waiting for my car, the valet mentions that the car was parked on the corner. Now I had JUST seen four women load up in the car on the corner and drive off. As I tell him this, he calmly said, “I think your car was just stolen”. It was so nonchalantly stated just like it was a normal occurrence. Talk about the cherry on top, right? Well luckily the two valet gentlemen didn’t communicate and the car was just moved around the corner.
As the rest of the day went off quite normally, except one minor SNAFU with paperwork that I have to correct, I have to say it was a successful trip. I know some of you are reading this wondering how I can call it a success. Well…let’s think about it.
I didn’t go to jail.
I didn’t die.
They didn’t find semen on me in the hospital.
So while at first it was frightening with the kidney thing, and it was expensive as fuck, and I got roofied…say it with me…. it’s funny now.
