I’m going to jump right into it this week and something tells me this one might piss off a good amount of readers. Er…wait…this is fujupz… This is going to piss off our reader. Oh well.
Seriously. It’s time for the world to grow up. We’ve got six year olds pretending to be adults tweeting back and forth about war declarations (where none has been made) and then I have to hear about fantasy sports…football, to be a bit more precise. What. The. Actual. Fuck? Just so you’re aware, this is nothing new for me. I remember thinking as far back as high school, “wow this is dumb”. I don’t mean “hey let’s ride bikes to Cedar Point” dumb, but I’m also not talking about the level of intelligence it would take to write a dirty limerick.
Look, I get it, we all like to hang on to our glory years. There’s a reason I’m putting a fucking baseball (and football) field in my back yard. It’s so I can pretend to be awesome again. But make no mistake, I’m not…and neither are you. We’re both old, slower than we were, balder than we were, fatter than we were, and our penises are starting to fail us. Just accept it, decrepitude is upon us and father time (unlike your fantasy team) is undefeated.
And I don’t know if you noticed when you had your “fantasy draft” in June for the football season that just got started three (yes, 3) weeks ago…in August (See Also: Why the fuck does football go from July to February?), but the players you “drafted” don’t play with one another. It’s a goddamn team sport! Individual accomplishments are great, but they don’t necessarily translate from one “team” to the next. I can’t say “Oh man, Jordan Spieth made 93 birdies last month and Corey Kluber had 9 Ks and gave up 6 hits, so my team beat yours 147-12”. THIS ISN’T HOW ANY OF THIS WORKS!!! Imagine Tom Brady throwing to Browns receivers. Or, if you’re not a Browns fan like I am, and you want the experience of being a Browns fan, just go put your head on train tracks*.
Seriously folks, your fantasy leagues…need to stop. I’d have more respect if you got together every week and played Madden. At least that requires the skill of manipulating the controller while consuming beer and wings. What skill did you have in your “fantasy” sports? Joe Blow ran for 100 yards, Willy Nilly threw the touchdown pass….you….did nothing.
Go outside and play flag football, play Madden, play air hockey, go to B-dubs and play Golden Tee, play Chess, hell play Uno! At least all of those games have winners, unlike fantasy sports where there’s only losers.
*Disclaimer – don’t actually fucking put your head on train tracks. Are you that fucking stupid? Oh yeah, you play fantasy sports….you are.
