Hey, Fujupz fans! Plonker here with my first rambling incoherent post that Josh and I have come to unofficially call, “Plonker Sez!” In this week’s post, I’ve had the opportunity to travel to Florida for training on the Airlines and it has reminded me just exactly why I hate that segment of the industry in which I’ve worked for over a decade now.
It’s hard for me to even fathom that I’ve done a job for over 10 years, because I tend to get bored quite easily and, for someone who should probably be afraid of change, I’ve been known to change jobs looking for the next best thing. In my current position, as Commandant of the Fleet, I actually enjoy what I do and am hopeful to stay here until retirement…or when I get too fat to fit inside the plane, but it’s still hard to think about doing one kind of job for over 10 years. Anyway, on to the travel information…
This trip brought me from Snowlake, Pennsylhio to Mouseburg, Floriduh. Don’t confuse it with Mouseville, up near Tallahassee…you know they let the kids in for two cents? I was able to fly the friendly skies of Conited Scarelines and decided to save my boss some cash with an economy seat. Economy…that’s kind of misleading. They should just call it, “an uncomfortable middle seat somewhere in the back”.
As all professionals involved in high speed pressurized tubing, I have to attend training once a year at a minimum, and in this case we’re getting a new Intragalactic Atmospheric Penetrator, so I have to attend a short two-day course at Fly Safely Innunashunal called “indoctrination”. For two days and $3600, you can attend as well! Yeah, this aviation shit isn’t nearly as cheap as Balloo made it seem in Tailspin.
So, with my trip fresh in my mind, let’s discuss:
TOP TEN REASONS PLONKER HATES AIRLINE TRAVEL:
10. “Economy” Seats
If you’ve ever tried cramming your ass into a tuna can, you know what it’s like to sit in economy. Of course, the round trip was less than $400, and I’m nothing if not uh…frugal…even when it’s someone else’s money I’m spending. I could have purchased “Economy Plus” for an extra $25 or so. For that, you get to sit in an exit row seat that doesn’t recline (because of the exit row behind you) with slightly more leg room but still in a seat nearly narrow enough to cut off circulation to my testicles and everything else below the belt. Luckily, I have no need for functional frank and beans at this point, so I didn’t let it bother me.
However, why is it that people are so pissy if you try to recline your seat? Normally I’m asleep before we even push back from the gate these days, but sometime after takeoff when I come to, I slide the seat back. Yep…heeeeere we go. Guy behind me starts freaking out like he’s having a seizure, “HEY HEY HEY NO NO NO!!!” Rolling my eyes, I put the seat back in the super comfortable fully-upright position (was that sarcastic enough) just in time for the person in front of me to recline. Oh, well… Fujit. I can sleep standing up if I need to.
9. Gate Lice
For those of you that don’t know what “Gate lice” are, you are probably one of them. I say this with all of the love in the world…you’re fujing annoying. To specify, “gate lice” are people that feel the need to line up at the gate to get on the airplane, when they’re in “Zone F” or “Group 93” and the gate agent has just asked for “pre-boarding” of families with children. Relax. Stay in your seat at the gate. You’re causing problems:
- You’re blocking the hallway in the terminal that was likely designed in a time when people that traveled via the airlines weren’t dickish enough to line up 20 minutes before they needed to, when their group/rows hadn’t been called. Medical crews, security, flight crews (you know, those trying to walk to another gate to fly an airplane to move the trailer park down to see the Mouse?), and GASP other passengers, all need to walk by. Hey, I’m not going to judge…sometimes you need that E-terminal Cinnabon! So sit down, relax, and wait your turn. I promise, if you can listen for the gate agent to call the number on your boarding zone (or letter, I guess it depends on which Scareline…), you’re going to end up in the same damn place as everyone else on that airplane.
- You’re making it harder for people who are trying to be considerate to not jump the line. If I’ve got a “Zone 2” boarding pass, I don’t want/need to cut off other Zone 2 passengers. I can board at the end of zone 2. But if you’re zone 17 and you’re already in line, I don’t know that. What does that mean? It means people cut the line…see the above comments about being dickish.
- You look stupid. Ever seen cows on their way into the slaughter house?…ever seen gate lice standing by the gate with their bag that they should’ve checked, but are going to cram into the overhead so nobody else can fit anything?
THEY LOOK THE SAME
8. Oversized Carry-on Bags
Since I brought it up…have you noticed that since the scarelines have started charging for checked bags that everyone has been cramming their shit into an overhead? Look, I’m not trying to say that you’re cheap…but you’re cheap. If you don’t have a standard carry on bag (22x9x14 inches or smaller), just pay the $30 to check it. That’s still less expensive than the ticket would’ve cost you if the airlines included the bag fees in the price of the ticket…like they used to do. Oh, how I miss those days. Walk up to the counter, chuck your bags at the lady, and she tags it while smiling and magically it shows up on that little belt thing at your destination. All you had to carry onto the plane was your jacket or maybe a briefcase.
Fast forward to today… You’ve got Bubba who has a seat in row 27 (and should have two), that just crammed his trunk full of deer jerkey and curing venison meat into the overhead at row 3. Now, as I walk up with my seat in row 3, I have no space for my actual fujing carry-on bag. This isn’t something I’ve seen once or twice. I spent over 4 years on an airline flight at least once a week and saw this quite literally every…fujing…leg.
Ladies, one comment specifically for you… Why do you have to pack like you’re never coming home for a weekend getaway where you’ll wear a bikini down by the pool, and probably skip the panties so some Joe at the bar doesn’t have as much work to do after you’ve had seven too many margaritas? Pack a pair of shoes, your flip-flops, your bikini, your toiletries (which really shouldn’t include your hair dryer…hotels have that shit), and your Valtrex and go have fun for your weekend. You could probably fit all of that in your purse, that could smuggle a midget into Mexico, and not even have to worry about checking a bag.
7. The Private Pilot Passenger
I’ll admit, I was this guy once. This is the one who has flown his dad’s single engine airplane a few times and now has all of the answers, and points out (usually to some hot chick sitting next to him) exactly what’s going on. This probably only annoys those of us who are actually experienced in this, but stop. You sound like a fool.
One thing I never did, and I’m sure at least one person on this flight did, since I was pretty close to the Expert Passenger (or he was talking loud enough to make it seem like I was sitting in his lap), is going to the cockpit to let them know you’re there if they need you. I really don’t like the phrase, but….I can’t even. STAHP!
6. Automated Parking Garages
It’s a great idea, isn’t it? A little sign tells you how many spaces available on each floor of the garage, and an arrow points to where the empty space is supposed to be, then little red/green LEDs above each parking spot.
Of course, Plonker finds the ONLY green light (which is supposed to signify the ONE empty space on that floor) where the spot is actually occupied. And it’s not occupied by a smart car, motorcycle or Prius…oh, no. This thing was a fucking tank. I have no idea how the sensor missed it, except to say….that’s how shit goes for Plonker.
5. Cell Phone Users
Look, when I’m on the ground, in Starbucks—who the Fuj am I kidding? I never go to Starbucks. Okay, when I’m on the ground in the porno shop looking for my weekly replacement skin for my Fleshlight, I don’t want to hear your cell phone conversation. I sure as shit don’t want to hear it in an airplane. You really can’t go two (or so) hours without talking to someone? Send a quick text, and turn off the volume. Then put it in airplane mode and toss it in the seatback pocket. Why? Because you’re not that important. Everything can wait until you land and get off of the airplane. I know they let you use cell phones taxiing to the gate now, but for the love of Christ, can’t it wait another 5 minutes? You just went two hours without cell service, another four minutes won’t kill you.
4. (Closely Related) Early Clickers
That “Seat Belts Fastened” lighted sign (and federal law requires you to comply with it, by the way…) is there for your safety but more importantly for my safety. Why must people click off their seat belts early? I don’t need you falling on me when the plane suddenly lurches forward because the chocks (little blocks of heavy rubber placed in front of an behind the tires to keep it from moving) aren’t quite in place, or when the pilots suddenly slam on the brakes because the marshal told them to stop so they didn’t hit something.
Most rules on an airplane are certainly for your safety, but quite honestly, you should be considerate of the safety of others as well. You may not care about wearing your seatbelt and slamming face first into the bulkhead, but maybe the guy in front of you doesn’t want your fat face flying over his seat and knocking him out when you go head-to-head on a rejected takeoff.
Bottom line, stop fujing doing this. Stay clicked in…it’s another 30 seconds and guess what! THE DOOR ISN’T OPENING EARLIER IF YOU STAND UP EALIER!
3. Aisle Racers
Go, Speed racer, GOOOOOOOOO!
Again, if you’re sitting in row 93, why the need to sprint up the aisle as soon as the seat belt light turns off? The door still isn’t open and you’re going to be the jackass standing in the aisle for 3-4 minutes while everything gets set so we can deplane…wait your turn. Quit being a dick. The world, as surprising as it may seem, does not revolve around you. If you want to get on and off of the airplane quicker/easier, you can buy a first class ticket. They get to sit in the first few rows and usually get priority boarding.
I wish I could start a movement for people in aisle seats to stick their legs out when the plane pulls into the gate. I’d love to see these fujing idiots face plant between the seats.
2. Lying
This one is all on the airlines. Look, the reality is that there’s no “pilot shortage” as some like to say, but there is a shortage of pilots willing to work for crap wages (first year airline pay is right around $20k…and per diem and “sign on bonus” doesn’t count into that number…per diem is for their food, and good luck eating somewhat healthy on $36/day). But why does the gate agent need to make crap up about how “the mechanics are onboard now finishing paperwork” or “ATC is going to let us go soon…” and then as a crew walks down the jet bridge, it’s “Okay we’re set!”.
We get it. You don’t have enough crews for the trips. If you’d pay better, you would, but stop lying to passengers. One thing I hate, and I’ve told subordinates this in the past, is being lied to. I can handle truth. If it’s something I don’t want to hear, that’s fine…as long as it’s the truth. Just tell us, “Due to management squeezing nickels out of labor, we can’t fill new hire training classes so we’re waiting for a crew to get in from another flight to come over here and fly, and that’s why you’re going to miss your connection.” I don’t like that…but I can respect that.
1 Security
This is such a fucking joke. First of all, it’s not “security”, it’s “security theater”. They’re not keeping anybody safe, they’re giving you the illusion that they’re keeping you safe…AND YOU’RE PLAYING ALONG!!! Those of you going through the nudie-scanners (millimeter wave bullshit) where you stand with your hands over your head while it scans your body…you may not remember the game “Lemmings”, but that’s what you are. I opted out today (as I always do – and you should, too), and got the pat down. There’s nothing quite like starting your day with a Freedom Frisk.
Second, the amount of contraband that gets by Those who Stand Around on a weekly basis (DHS does random testing to see if things get caught, and I’m sure with the number of things that get past them in the test, actual threats are left undetected as well) should tell everyone just how piss poor this bloated organization is.
Lastly, if you want to be able to take your bottle of water with you, just go to this link and buy the pants, epaulettes, white shirt, tie, and wings if you really want to confuse them. Just tell them you work for a charter company so you don’t have an airline badge. As a crew member, you may be exempted from the liquids rule, and if your shoes don’t have a shank (and really, at this point in time they shouldn’t…stop buying 1920s shoes), you can probably keep your clothes on as you go through the metal detector. I worked for a company once who had us do exactly that. Our “ID Badge” was printed off of an inkjet printer and laminated. Real secure.
Security is an absolute joke and without a doubt the biggest reason I hate airline travel. Thank God I don’t have to do that every day at work.
Thanks for reading, Fujupz Fanz! Keep checking back for the next edition of Plonker Sez!
